Just Ask The Masters
by bestrclfanficshere
Summary: Ken and Eliza answer all your questions regarding love, makin' love and why certain things should never go in certain orifices. Message me your questions and maybe everyone's favorite Street Fighter couple can help. Comments usually speed updates
1. Chapter 1: An Introduction

_Minna, Yorushku-na_! [Hiya, Everyone!]

So I get this email out of the blue right, asking if I want to contribute to an online blog about relationships and all that good stuff. (I guess my reputation precedes me. Sigh, my adoring public.) Actually, to be fair, they asked Eliza to contribute too. You know, probably didn't want all the chicks to feel left out. Anyways, we're accepting emails if you need some advice on your love life or your sex life, don't be shy. Just Ask the Masters!

_Ja-na! _[See ya!]

Ken Masters, PhD

Love Doctor Extraordinaire

* * *

Hi to everyone out there!

So first off, let me apologize for my husband's less than progressive attitude about women in the 21st century. (A night on the couch seems to have broadened his scope quite nicely, though, I must say.) In any case, we're thrilled to be participating in this online venture and look forward to reading all your questions about relationships, and hopefully _one_ of us can be of a little help. Like Ken said: Just Ask the Masters.

Eliza Masters,

Occasionally Bemused Wife of the Aforementioned Dr. Masters

**PS:** the **PhD** stands for **Ph**ony **D**octor

**

* * *

PPS:** She's just salty cuz they asked me first

-KM, PhD-

**

* * *

PPPS:** Is the couch still pulled out?

-EM, OBWADM-


	2. Chapter 2: Pilot

**Question 1:**

_Dear Ken and Eliza._

_I'm always getting in trouble with my girlfriend because I can never remember our anniversaries. I forget her birthday, our yearly anniversary, the anniversary of our first kiss, the anniversary of our first date, the anniversary of the first time we had sex…I think you get the idea. What can I do to stop getting myself into trouble seven or eight times a year?_

_Sincerely,_

_Beleaguered Boyfriend in Boston_

* * *

Dear Beleaguered,

Holy shit, man! That's a lot of anniversaries! No offense to your girl, but I don't think any guy remembers all those things, and quite frankly, now that you're together what difference does it make? Well in any case, just to keep your ass covered, do what I do. Get all your dates straight and then pre-order flowers in advance from one of those online florists. That way, she's sure to get it on the right dates and you look like a total rock star. Just don't make the same mistake I did and ask your girl where the flowers came from.

-KM-

* * *

Dear Beleaguered,

First piece of advice I can give you is that you ignore what you just read. The second suggestion I have is that if you forget all those anniversaries and your girlfriend gets upset, ask her why it upsets her. Now I know that this may seem like a rhetorical question, but what does it mean to her that you don't remember? Does it mean she's not important to you? Does it mean that she's worried that you are losing interest? Find out what it is that's really upsetting her and then you can tell her that your forgetting doesn't automatically equal you not caring. And if that doesn't work, you can always tell her that the reason you don't remember is because every day is a celebration when you're with her and you don't need to give yourself an excuse to celebrate.

-EM-

* * *

**PS:** Just so you know, it _did_ work until I sabotaged myself…

-KM-

**

* * *

PPS**: No it didn't. I was just waiting to see how much rope you needed before you'd hang yourself.

-EM-

**

* * *

PPPS:** That's why I love you, Baby, because you're so smart.

-KM-


	3. Chapter 3: Questions 2 thru 5

**Question 2:**

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_Maybe I'm being a total girl, but I get nervous about passing gas in front of the men I date. How much does it bother guys?_

_Thanks,_

_Sometimes Flatulent in Seattle_

* * *

Dear Sometimes,

It doesn't.

While I wouldn't recommend doing it _all_ of the time (I mean, let's face it, that's kinda gross) the occasional toot is nothing to worry about. Us guys know you girls like to maintain an image, but come on - **everybody** does it. You're going to have to bite the bullet and break the fart barrier eventually, so you may as well get it over with.

-KM-

* * *

Dear Sometimes,

I tend to agree. They really don't seem to care.

-EM-

**

* * *

PS:** I even think it's cute when Eliza does it.

-KM-

**

* * *

PPS:** My hair curls when Ken does it.

-EM-

_

* * *

_

**Question 3:**

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_I've been with my wife for about seven years now, and though I love her to death, she's not quite as fit as she used to be. How can I let her know that she might want to lose some weight without coming off as a superficial jerk?_

_Hubby With A Chubby (Wife)_

* * *

Dear Hubby,

Talk about a lose-lose situation. There's no way to tell a woman to her face that she needs to lose weight without getting smacked (or possibly kicked in the nuts). So, you need to find a way to get her to lose the weight without making it seem like that's only **her** goal. Something you can do is the old standby of, "Hey, Honey, how about we start going to the gym together? I wanna trim up for the summer." Or "What do you think about training for a marathon? I hear it really gives you a lot of energy." Etc. etc. If that works, and she starts to lose the extra pounds, just keep raving about how hot she looks and she'll keep it up. She should be back in shape before you can say there's a sale on hot pants going on.

-KM-

* * *

Dear Hubby,

While women do get upset that men place such a high premium on looks, I think it's fair to say that both sexes think looks are important. That being said, if you think that she would be more attractive to you if she were slimmer, she needs to know that being attractive to you and being loved by you are two different things. You still love her. You just wish she were a little thinner. As long as everything is done from a place of love, no one can be angry. Now if she's had three kids and a full time job, then you may just have to accept that to be a good mom, she may not have enough time and energy to exercise enough to stay in shape and this is the tradeoff for the lovely family you have. If it's more an issue of not wanting to exercise, Ken's advice works well – make it something you can do together. Tell her that you'd like to be more attractive and in shape for her. Usually when people love each other they respond in kind. She'll think it's sweet that you want to look good for her and will want to do the same for you. If you really want to ensure that she gets into it, book a vacation in the Bahamas and tell her that all she gets to pack is a string bikini and a toothbrush.

-EM-

**

* * *

PS:** I bypassed this problem by marrying a woman with an ass that wouldn't quit.

-KM-

**

* * *

PPS:** Was that _supposed_ to be a compliment?

-EM-

_

* * *

_

**Question 4:**

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_Why is it I have such a hard time getting a date? What am I doing wrong?_

_Dan Hibiki_

* * *

Dear Dan,

Where do I start?

First off, I know everyone says it takes a real man to wear pink, but _come on_. Don't you think you might be sending a message to the ladies that you bat for the other team?

Second, you gotta quit picking your nose in public. That's just disgusting.

Third, you need new deodorant, Dude. That or you don't shower enough. _Kse!_ [Stinks]

Let's try those three first and see if things improve. Remember man, baby steps.

-KM-

* * *

Dear Dan,

It's hard to answer such a general question. Write back and let me know of specific instances that didn't work for you and I'll be better equipped to give you advice.

-EM-

**

* * *

PS:** She totally agrees with me, she's just too nice to say it.

-KM-

**

* * *

PPS:** Ignore that. The Love Doctor is still in. Oh, and Ken too if you're just morbidly curious…

-EM-

_

* * *

_

**Question 5:**

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_I always get into fights with my girlfriend and I don't even know why! What makes it even worse is that she pulls the old If-you-don't-know-what-you-did-wrong-then-maybe-you-should-think-about-it routine. I am not a mind reader! What should I do?_

_Not Clairvoyant in North Carolina_

* * *

Dear Not,

Yeah those are always tough. Personally I think chicks just do it because they think it gives them an excuse to be madder longer. If she does that again, next time tell her, "Honey, I'm trying to better understand you. Why are you shutting me out? How can I learn what's bothering you if you won't talk to me?" I'd like to see what she comes up with.

Also, here's a handy tip. If your girl gets pissy with you and you think it's totally arbitrary and silly, act confused by her behavior and when you start talking about how you don't understand what it is you guys are arguing about, fart in mid sentence and pretend nothing happened. I guarantee you that she won't be able to keep a straight face and it's hard to argue when you're laughing.

-KM-

* * *

Dear Not,

Usually when a girl pulls the you-should-think-about-what-you-did wrong act, it's because she was too embarrassed to ask you directly what it was she wanted and she's upset at not having gotten what she wanted. Now while I' a firm believer in the idea that you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket, this logic is not going to get you anywhere with your lady love.

Instead, try to be as honest with her as possible and encourage her to do the same. If you feel that she is baiting you to have a fight later, just ask how she feels about your answer. For example, you want to go out with the boys and she wants to stay and cuddle with a movie. When you ask, "Honey, do you mind if I go out with the boys tonight?" and she says yes, and you have a sneaking suspicion that it's not sincere, just add that if she'd rather you stay at home that you prefer that she tell you. If she's still too embarrassed to say what she really wants, then there's nothing you can do. When you come home and she's mad, she wants to be mad. Pay it no mind and eventually she will learn that playing these games will not get her what she wants and that there's no shame in asking for it directly.

-EM-

**PS: **While Ken's suggestion may work the first few times, the novelty wears off fast and she'll likely still be angry and more annoyed than before you let it rip.

**

* * *

PPS:** So try not to overuse the gas technique. This powerful method of reconciliation is best reserved for emergencies only.

-KM-


	4. Chapter 4: Questions 6,7

**Question 6:**

_**Dear Ken and Eliza,**_

_**My boyfriend has a lot of attractive female friends and it makes me nervous. Is it normal for a guy to have so many lady friends? **_

_**Insecure in Iowa**_

Dear Insecure,

Define "normal". Also, you have to take into account that normal sort of varies depending upon your situation.

For example:

1. He's a fashion photographer – normal

2. He's actually a closet homosexual – normal

3. He's unusually sensitive and in touch with his feminine side – normal but again I would wonder if he's straight, as most of us straight guys tend to be somewhat out of touch with our inner woman

Check to see if his life is such that it's understandable that he has a lot of pretty lady friends, and he still comes up as not normal, well we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

-KM-

Dear Insecure,

What is it that ultimately has you worried? That he will be unfaithful or grow tired of you? Also, in what context does he know these women? Did he know them before he met you, were they old girlfriends, coworkers, or school chums? You also have to ask yourself, has he ever done anything that would give me cause for concern? If he's never given you reason to distrust him, don't. On the other hand if he's out partying with a different woman every night that he just met, you might want to reconsider your relationship choice.

-EM-

**PS:** I apologize in advance if Ken's lack of political correctness regarding the gay community offends anyone.

-EM-

**PPS:** Hey, I agreed to give advice. I never said it was _good_ advice…

-KM-

**Question 7: **

_**Dear Ken and Eliza,**_

_**My boyfriend doesn't like that I won't give him head. I told him that I don't think **__**any**__** woman likes giving head. Is this true?**_

_**Orally Challenged In Oregon**_

Dear Orally,

I don't see how anyone could possibly like brussel sprouts but some people really do.

-KM-

Dear Orally,

That's sort of the problem with sweeping generalizations – there are always outliers. Even then, Ken does have a point. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's objectionable to everyone. I think the more important reality to address here isn't whether or not any women like giving head. The issue is that _you_ don't enjoy it, and your boyfriend is aware of this. We can't always get everything we want out of life, and part of a healthy relationship is accepting your partner for the things they do as well as what they don't do. If not getting head constitutes a deal breaker for your boyfriend, it's probably better to know sooner rather than later.

-EM-

**PS:** You know, even though brussel sprouts are generally unpopular, they _are_ considered to be good for you.

-KM-

**PPS:** I don't think you can make the same argument for oral sex.

-EM-

**PPPS:** Don't be such a Negative Nancy…

-KM-


	5. Chapter 5: Questions 8 thru 11

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_My boyfriend is horribly unromantic. What can I do to make him more romantic?_

_Thanks,_

_Bored Babe_

* * *

Dear Bored,

You don't buy a cat thinking you're going to feed it salads.

-KM-

Dear Bored,

It never works to try to get someone to change for you, because had they wanted to change they already would have. If his lack of romance is something you can deal with, you may just have to accept it. If not, you may need to find a new Romeo

-EM-

**PS:** Remember change comes from within. This also a useful bit of advice if bums ask you for spare change.

-KM-

* * *

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_I really like this guy, he's so amazing! But I don't know how to tell him. What should I do?_

_Sighing Sakura_

* * *

Dear Sakura,

I think your cover's already blown.

-KM-

Dear Sakura,

I would have to agree.

-EM-

* * *

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_I feel like my boyfriend takes me for granted. How can I make him stop?_

_Shafted _

Dear Shafted,

Leave.

-KM-

Dear Shafted,

If you've discussed how you've felt with him already with no success, then it may just come down to you have to show him how serious you are. If you haven't talked to him about how you feel, I suggest you start there.

-EM-

PS: Nah, too much work. Just bounce.

-KM-

PPS: Always the pragmatist

-EM-

* * *

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_My girlfriend gets really upset that I can't tell her I love her to her face. I mean, I don't think there's any doubt that I do, I'm crazy about her. I just don't get why I have to say it out loud all the time. What do I do?_

_Flustered in Flushing_

* * *

Dear Flustered,

Tell her that it really upsets **you** that your actions apparently mean less to her than some words. Maybe she'd prefer it if you said it and didn't act like it. Personally, I doubt it but you could always try it as an experiment...

-KM-

Dear Flustered,

Sometimes hearing a man tell a girl that he loves her is not so much about the love bit as it is the promise that you're not going anywhere. Hearing you say the L word possibly gives her a feeling of security in your relationship. I do have to agree with Ken though. If you truly are crazy about her, then it's a bit problematic that she doesn't feel loved. The other possibility is that you really don't show her through your actions, in which case, it makes sense that she would ask.

-EM-


	6. Chapter 6: Questions 12 thru 15

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_My girlfriend keeps asking me to lose weight, but I'm fine with the way that I am. What can I do?_

_Exasperated Edmond_

Dear Exasperated,

Honda? Is that you?! And you have a girl?!! When did this happen?

-KM-

Dear Exasperated,

In your case you may have to tell her it's an occupational hazard and if sumo is your life, do you really want to give it up?

-EM-

**PS:** Even if you were to do the Atkin's diet, you'd still be left with a ton of saggy skin. Quite frankly, I think you look better pleasantly plump rather than slim with windflaps…

-KM-

**PPS:** I apologize yet again for my husband's lack of tact

-EM-

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_My girlfriend gets really angry when I talk to other girls, even girls I've known for a long time. Sometimes she'll go through my phone logs or even get into my email account (I've had to buy one of those thumbprint logins). What do I do to get her to stop being such a damn snoop?_

_Fed Up in Fairbanks_

Dear Fed Up

Uh, wait a sec, I missed the part where you're still with her…

-KM-

Dear Fed Up,

Her actions show a disturbing lack of trust on her part, as well as a complete lack of boundaries. I think the more important question is why do you want to be with someone like this?

-EM-

**PS:** Maybe he's a masochist…

-KM-

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_I think my wife is having an affair. How can I know for sure?_

_Cuckold in Canada_

Dear Cuckold_,_

Ask her. Nothing like getting it straight from the horse's mouth.

-KM-

Dear Cuckold,

Shy of hiring a PI, asking is really the only way to know. Does she have reason to cheat? Or if you don't like the direct approach, ask how she feels about the marriage. If she's really dissatisfied, you'll know.

-EM-

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_I've known this girl for a long time and we are totally close, but I don't know if I should ask her out. How do I know if she's interested?_

_Shy in Sheffield_

Dear Shy,

If you've gone longer than three months without picking up a vibe either you're blind or you've got FRIEND branded all over your forehead.

-KM-

Dear Shy,

Women tend to know fairly soon if they're attracted to someone or not. If you've known her a long time and she's shown nary a hint of interest, it may be that she just sees your relationship as strictly platonic. You can always ask her though and see if anything comes of it.

-EM-

**PS:** Uh, Eliza, I think his goal was to _avoid_ rejection…

-KM-


	7. Chapter 7: Questions 16 thru 18

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_I am training for a big fight and my wife does not seem to understand that we cannot have sex as often because it drains my chi. I really want to win, but on the other hand, I am in a difficult position because she is both very sexy and also very scary when I tell her no. How do you recommend I remedy this situation?_

_Ruminating Ryo_

* * *

Dear Ryu – er, I mean – _Ryo_,

Uh, last I recall, it's not the sex that drains your chi, it's when you allow yourself the happy ending. See? Problem solved. Point but don't shoot and everybody wins. Chun L – uh, Wifey – gets to bump her uglies and you win your fight. Well, maybe everybody wins, but your prostate is getting a bit of the shaft, no pun intended. Hope this helps, Buddy!

-KM-

Dear Ruminating,

If you want to hold on your chi, you can go on an antidepressant for a short time. You can still get it up, but you won't be able to finish. It's an off-label use for the treatment of premature ejaculation. Not that I'm implying you have this problem, but it should work until your fight is over.

-EM-

**PS:** And when you come off it, you can REALLY bust a nut!

-KM-

* * *

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_My boyfriend wants to move in with me, but I just don't feel comfortable giving up the space. I like my privacy and what if we have a fight? I like the fact that I have my own place to go to. How do I tell him no without hurting his feelings?_

_Pondering in Pennsylvania_

Dear Pondering,

Tell him you have a really bad, very loud and embarrassing flatulence problem that would be impossible to hide in your poorly ventilated apartment. I guarantee he won't want to stay with you.

-KM-

Dear Pondering,

I'd ask him first why he's so keen on moving in all of a sudden.

-EM-

**PS:** Nah, have him spend the night as an experiment and eat a ton of beans before he comes over…

-KM-

**PPS:** Do you ever give advice that doesn't involve passing gas?

-EM-

**PPPS**: Hey, woman, I stick with what works…

-KM-

* * *

_Dear Ken and Eliza_

_I love my boyfriend but he's super cheap. How do I get him to be less of a tightwad?_

_Skint in Scranton_

Dear Skint,

Get a new boyfriend.

-KM-

Dear Skint,

If he's cheap now, he'll be cheap forever and nothing will change that. Get used to it, or get going.

-EM-

**PS:** Mebbe a brain transplant would do it…know any good donors?

-KM-


	8. Chapter 8: Questions 19 thru 22

_Dear Ken and Eliza_

_I'm wondering if I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I have a very large chin and sometimes I think it almost looks like I have a big ass on my jaw. Should I stop being so sensitive about it? I think I'm a pretty good catch otherwise. I take pride in my work and I like to be successful._

_Brooding Butt Chin_

* * *

Dear Bison.

Your chin isn't the only thing that looks like a giant ass…

And yeah, don't be so sensitive about it – your personality or lack thereof is way more problematic.

But don't worry, there's still hope. I think Blanka kinda likes you.

-KM-

Dear Brooding,

Women often tend to be more interested in men's personalities and can see facial features as having character. Don't necessarily assume that your chin is abnormal.

-EM-

**PS:** See? Tolja you were screwed…Whole new meaning to the expression "Butt for Brains"

-KM-

* * *

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_My boyfriend doesn't treat me so great sometimes. He always expects me to tend to his every beck and call but whenever I need catering to, he could care less. How do I fix this?_

_Grousing Girlfriend_

Dear Grousing,

Tell him to get a dog. They don't seem to mind one-sided relationships.

-KM-

Dear Grousing,

I would agree. That or just stop doing what he expects.

-EM-

**PS:** Or try greeting him at the door in a dog collar on your hands and knees with a newspaper and his slippers? I think he'll get the point...

-KM-

* * *

_Dear Ken and Eliza,_

_My husband and I have been married a long time, and we have a great sex life, but I am now getting into my forties and no longer want to have any more kids. I've heard that vasectomies are very safe and not that painful and I've asked him to get one but he tells me to get my tubes tied instead. How can I get him to see reason?_

_Frustrated Fertile Female_

Dear Frustrated,

Good luck trying to convince him to let someone go snippy snippy near his ding dong. I side with your husband on this. While I'm not recommending that _you_ get the procedure, I can understand his…ahem…reservations.

-KM-

Dear Frustrated,

From a medical standpoint you are correct. It is a relatively simple procedure, it can even be done outpatient under local anesthetic and takes very little time to heal. The same cannot be said about the equivalent for women, which is a very invasive procedure, requires general anesthesia and the healing time is significantly longer, not to mention that the risks for complications are far greater. You can try educating him on these facts and see if that will help you persuade him. On the other hand, if your husband is squeamish about watching a doctor approach his genitals with a scalpel, I don't think you'll have much luck.

-EM-

**PS:** _Much_ luck? How about _zero_? The words "scalpel, nuts" and "cutting" used together in the same sentence would cause the hair on any man's neck to stand up…

-KM-

* * *

_Dear Ken,_

_I am not gay and decidedly not amused by the fact that you would insinuate that I am._

_Rowr,_

_Jimmy B_

Dear Blanka,

Sorry, man, didn't mean to make you the "butt" of the joke. No doubt you're a terror to the ladies...

And Bison, sorry, man, I guess nobody really likes you.

-KM-


End file.
